Welcome to the Use of Force Hot Line. If you have chosen to resist arrest, you can now select from the following options:
"For a beating with a PR-24, commonly known as a nightstick, press 1.
"For a spritz of chemical irritant, press 2.
"For a takedown by one or more officers, as seen on pro wrestling, press 3.
"If you prefer to be shot with a pepperball, beanbag or foam projectile, press 4.
"If you have already decided to run and hide, press 5 and a police dog will be unleashed to bite you if you continue to resist.
"If you prefer none of the above, but still choose to resist, the safest option is a Taser, which feels like sticking a screwdriver in a light socket for 5 seconds, but causes fewer injuries than break-dancing. To be Tased, press 6."
Now wouldn't it be nice if every street-corner drug salesman who had an unscheduled meeting with Cincinnati's finest could place an order for his favorite use of force?
Wouldn't it be nice if the cops could interview suspects and let them choose from a menu of options? "I'll take three whacks from column A, and a side of Mace, officer."
Instead, it's flying arms and elbows, a frantic foot pursuit, a flying tackle and a serve-yourself buffet of skinned knees, bruises, cuts and contusions.
But here's good news for suspects who are chronically non-compliant: Felony stupidity is safer than ever in Cincinnati.
The reason is Tasers, deployed by the police at a cost of $1 million, with help from a $750,000 grant by the Department of Justice.
A report released Friday by Cincinnati Police showed that Tasers have reduced injuries to suspects by 37 percent this year compared to the same months in 2003.
Use-of-force incidents increased 9 percent, mainly because drug arrests have increased and drug dealers often resist "due to the existence of contraband on their person," the report said.
"Most if not all of the (Taser) injuries were abrasions and lacerations sustained due to the suspect falling to the ground immediately after deployment," the report said.
"If an officer fires a Taser in a chase, it stops right there," Lt. Paul Broxterman said. "For officers who are not always fleet of foot, this gives us a lot more opportunities to capture suspects."
Tasers, with a range of 21 feet, are now the weapon of choice for cops, Broxterman said. "Anytime you can stop the fight before it starts, that's good."
Tasers reduced injuries to cops by 88 percent, the report said.
It's impossible to know if Tasers could have prevented controversial, fatal struggles and shootings in the past few years. But it looks like they're doing that now. And while money for Tasers came from the feds, the idea was already advanced by Cincinnati Police years ago, Broxterman said.
Tasers are not perfect. Layers of clothing, drug use or mental illness can make them ineffective, Broxterman said.
But even someone stupid enough to resist arrest can see they're better than the alternatives.
There are two more options on the Use of Force Hot Line:
"For those who cooperate, please press 0, because that's the use of force you can expect.
"And for suspects who pull a gun, press 911 - you will need an ambulance soon."